0612 Female Led Relationships: Topping From the Bottom… Or Good Communication?

This week’s episode started with a post inside our growing FLR community at FLRSkool.com, and honestly, it challenged some assumptions I had about the phrase “topping from the bottom.”

The post used a simple analogy: if someone is handing you the keys to a vehicle, wouldn’t you want all the information you need to drive it successfully? That led to a bigger question:

Is sharing needs, desires, boundaries, and preferences really topping from the bottom… or is it simply healthy communication?

In this episode, we explore the fine line between a submissive trying to control a dynamic and a submissive providing information that helps a dominant make informed decisions. We talk about how communication evolves in long-term relationships, why needs and desires change over time, and how check-ins can strengthen rather than weaken a Female-Led Relationship. 

We also revisit a topic we've discussed before: confidence. New dominants often worry they're doing things wrong, while submissives may struggle to express needs without feeling like they're directing the relationship. Somewhere in the middle is a conversation that needs to happen. 

One of the biggest takeaways from this discussion is that communication is not the enemy of dominance. Sharing information, discussing discomfort, and talking openly about desires doesn't automatically mean someone is topping from the bottom. The difference often comes down to intent, trust, and how the conversation is approached. 

If you're building a Female-Led Relationship, navigating power exchange, or simply trying to communicate better with your partner, this episode offers a thoughtful perspective on where leadership ends and collaboration begins.

Mentioned in This Episode

The discussion that inspired this episode came directly from our community at FLRSkool.com, where couples and individuals are sharing real-world experiences, asking questions, and helping each other grow. The video version of this episode is available inside the community.

Transcript

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This podcast is intended for mature audiences only. If you are not 18 years of age or older, there are thousands of other podcasts you can listen to and you can come back and visit us when you are 18. This podcast is meant solely for entertainment. We are not licensed doctors, lawyers, or therapists. We simply have a fascination with the lifestyle and I'd love to share it with you and get your thoughts and opinions. You're wearing the same shirt. I am. Oh wow. Dirty son of a bitch. Yep. I'm sweating. There is no heat nor air conditioning in the studio. The fuck are we paying for? For us, I guess, right? Do we have any housekeeping this week? I don't think so. You should probably put the real sound in there. Judy's going to be disappointed and Mike, shh. Yeah. I think I have it in some place. I'm pretty sure. What's our housekeeping? Housekeeping is, hey, we've done a second episode after our small hiatus. Oh. Here we are. And school is rolling. Rolling, rolling, rolling. What is it? F-L-R-S-K-O-O-L dot com. I like when you bring out the broadcasting voice. So yeah, that's good. It's cool that while we were away for all the stuff, stuff, life stuff, we let everyone know we won't, we wouldn't be around for a little bit and they said, go do your thing. We got this. And they did. Conversations going on, posts and all that stuff. So it's very cool. That's community. That's really exciting. So, is it good? I don't, shut up, maybe. Fucking sweating my- That's twice in one day. Sweating my tits off. Goodness. That's just because it's hot in here. Speaking of school. What is it? F-L-R-S-K-O-O-L dot com. What? Oh. I lobbed up the softball to you. Sorry. Head dropped it. I'm in special ed. That's not nice. Listen, I'm stroking. Okay. For real. Somebody posted something in the school, in the general discussion. And I thought it was interesting. It's about topping from the bottom, but the analogy is very interesting. You have also read this, correct? I have. Yeah. Okay. Do you want to summarize or do you want me to summarize? Go ahead. Okay. So. It starts out where you think it's going in one direction. Yes. Right? But then it brings it back. They talk about, just some thoughts on the phrase, topping from the bottom. I can drive a car, standard and stick. I ride a bike, silly B cruiser, but it's delightful. I even have yacht certification. I feel like I could drive a lot of things. I'm pretty confident. So, it goes on to talk about if you were going to buy a new car, how would you feel if you didn't have all the information about that car? Or the person selling it to you didn't know all of the information about that car and didn't give you the proper instructions for operating that car. All valid points, right? You would feel upset. Right. Right? Yes. Do you have more to add to that? Well. Okay. Just quickly, when you get to that part of the post, you assume it's going to be something. Let me read you this. Because my immediate reaction to just that part is, maybe the other person in the relationship doesn't know the information. Right. You know what I mean? Yes. So. However. Well, okay. So, here's the paragraph. When you decide to drive something new, you might say that, I know the basics of operation, right? These are things I need to need to be comfortable and successful in operating something new. Maybe it's the ability to adjust the seat or, oh, I need side mirrors or even on my bicycle. And just a few more creature comforts delivered on a tray. But I digress. Then it goes on and it says, how successful would I be if the instructor or salesperson gave me only partial information? Then on my test drive, they countered the original instructions. What if in response to something I do all the time when driving my own car, they yell, wait, don't do that. How would I ever make the right choice not knowing the critical information? Okay. So, let me say this. As I'm reading this, I'm like, oh, I got lots to say. Right. Like I have all the things to say. However, this poster goes on to say, if someone doesn't know their own vehicle and can't articulate needs and wants to me, what if after the relationship starts, they start calling out all the things that they want or don't want? That certainly would disappoint me and temper my decision to continue. Wouldn't everyone want to start things off knowing everything that would enhance or hinder the enjoyment of the ride? Now, by this point, I'm like, are you fucking kidding me? I know myself, there's things that I was like, fuck, yeah, let's do all of that in the beginning of our relationship. And now I'm like, fuck, no, I want nothing to do with that. Not nothing to do with that. But what I'm interested now, as opposed to what I was interested in when we started is different. Right. Not super different. No. But it's changed. Well, yeah, in some circumstances, but. Right. But then the poster goes on to say, I'm not talking about small tweaks and revelations in the relationship after it begins. I'm talking about someone knowing themselves and not being afraid to risk sharing them in order to find the best match. Sure, it's fine for a quick play session to not know everyone's needs, desires, kinks. But if you are seeking a long-term relationship, needs and wants need to be shared from both parties openly and completely. Fingers crossed. My FLR submissive partner and I had a hiccup recently. We are a new couple, but not new to kink. It has been worked out to both of our delights. I expressed again that I need to know the dislikes, desires and needs. To which the reply was, isn't that topping from the bottom? Okay. Now I have not read. There's some good comments on it too. Yes. Okay. So communication, in my opinion, it should be initiated by either partner. Open talk without retribution. Does it mean he is directing me? No, he's explaining how to better make his engine purr. When I can find a common ground to accommodate us both, then it makes him purr. When his engine purrs, mine purrs louder. That's a pretty accurate statement. He's not dictating. He's not directing. He's giving me the information that I need to make my choice. Continue to drive or get out and walk. I chose to modify and continue. We both win. I'm in this for the long haul while purring loudly and surviving to a final destination. There is a sentence in there that is bedrock where it's, I'm going to paraphrase now, he's not telling me what to do. He's sharing the information, right? Yeah. Different, right? So there is a fine line between topping from the bottom and having conversation. Yes. So in the courses that are upcoming on FLRSKOL.com, we talk about there has to be like a check-in. Like, yes, we are in a dynamic where I am dominant and you are submissive, but it's important for us to be on an even playing field so that our structure remains concrete and doesn't crack our foundation, right? So when we're having those check-ins or where are you at with this or where are you at with that, right? We have to be on an even playing field and anything you say to me, anything you've said to me thus far, I have not taken it as topping from the bottom. I think that even in those conversations, sometimes things could be interpreted as topping from the bottom. Sure. Depending on if you're talking about things that have happened and then I wish this would have been done differently, but I don't know if, like, for instance, with us, if that would be, I get butt hurt because I feel like I did something wrong, right? So I have to work on how that, how what you're saying makes me feel and I'm in control of that. If you're just telling me something that I did that made you uncomfortable, I have to just actively listen to you and realize that's not you telling me something's wrong. This is how it felt for you, right? Right. And at that point, because you're the dominant and we've worked this out to where I can say this comfortably and this works for us, if at that point I tell you that something hurt me, you have all the right to say, tough shit. Yes. For us. Yes. That is a fact. Yes. That's not for everybody, but for us, that's a fact. I wonder. Yeah. Anyway. What? I don't know that I would say tough shit, but I might do it harder next time. But you could. I could. Right. Yes. So let me, let me kind of swing back around. Yep. So initially when I'm reading this, I'm like, oh, I was kind of like a little bit like hot and bothered at first. I was like, fuck that. I like change my mind about what. Yeah. A lot of likes. I changed my mind and what I, what I want. Yeah. And what I need. Yep. And sometimes it's monthly, especially the season of life I'm in. Right. So sometimes I can super be in the mood to totally ruin your orgasm. And then 99% of the time in the mood to not even let you have an orgasm. You know what I mean? Yeah. There's a theme here. Yep. So at first I was like, I can't give you all of my instructions because my instructions are fluid. Like they're always changing. But then as I read further, like that is a fantastic post. Yes. It really is. A hundred percent. And I I'm so glad that I read the whole thing because I am notorious. Yes. Typing it all up and being all like hot and bothered about it. And then I get down to the bottom. You know what I mean? I, this is where I struggle with active listening and this isn't active listening, but it is active listening. Like I'm already thinking of my response before I've even finished reading the whole thing. But yeah. To whoever posted that, if you're listening to this podcast, it was very well written. And I'm so thankful that I read the whole thing. It was a great post. And I think it's a great discussion starter. I mean, here we are doing a podcast on it. Right. I'm sorry. I've totally steamrolled, even though it's my fucking podcast. No, no. Anything that you were going to say. No, that's fine. Because you're saying a lot of the things that I would say too, right? That's so weird. Our instructions evolve, right? A little bit. And I think that's natural. I really do. Because when we started this. Oh my gosh. It feels like forever ago. Right. But when we started this, it was based on this much information. When I was so new and so insecure. Right. And so was I, even though I knew about things, I had a way different understanding of things, right? Do you think that you're more comfortable with me now too and being open with me because you don't think I'm going to leave? Did you ever worry about that early on in the beginning? Maybe the first couple of weeks. Fuck, you should have been. Right. You took a big hot shit. Listen, and that was the wrong way to do it, right? But I know that now, but I didn't know that then. Yeah. But you've always been comfortable otherwise? With me and saying things? Yes. Yes. Because we established that early on. We really did. Can I fix your hair? What? Oh. I really got to get better. I mean, halfway through the second episode. Let's do a hair check. I'm so sorry. You're going to be so pissed when you edit this. Wow. I think you're sexy either way. Quit rubbing your nose on my microphone. This one's mine. They're all mine. That one's yours. They're all mine. You get the big black one. I see what you did there. See what I did there? Okay. I'm sorry. No, but I think that people's instructions can evolve. But I think to the point of the actual post, you have to talk about it. You've got to be able to have good communication. Man, we pound this in all the time. Are you noticing it's popping up more and more in other places too, talking about how important communication is? I see it on your Twitter. Really? A hundred percent. There's a lot of similar content creators to you. Not a lot. I'll say there's a good handful that we follow. And I pay attention to that stuff too, because I'm interested in what other people are saying and doing. And a lot that's coming out is very similar, which great, right? Because we're all saying kind of the same things. We need a united front. Getting back to the evolving thing in the communication, right? It's relevant to where you are in your journey, right? My perimenopausal journey. It's relevant to, do you have a house full of kids? Are you empty nesters, right? Are you going through an illness? Oh my God. When we started, we had a house full of kids and my mom. That's interesting because we were able to really evolve things back then. We really were. The podcast helped a bunch. It really did. Life-saving. The reason why we started it. Right. But I mean, when you're in different seasons of life, your instructions can be affected by that. Like I say, what if you are in the hospital for an illness for an extended part of time, right? You would be so fucked. Yes. I know this. But our instructions would change a little bit. But we would communicate that. Yeah. Unless I was in a coma. Coma. Sorry. I'm sassy. It's okay. I think that's... Yes. For us, he probably knows me better than I know myself, if we're being honest. I am very lucky. I know people say this all the time and it's so cheesy. I seriously feel like you were made for me. Like there are so many things that I'm just like, I could not be this way with anybody else. Mm-hmm. Which is so... And how do I not want to... I mean, I've... Yes. I've told you that your breathing is annoying, but... I also said I didn't want you to stop. Yes. You know what I mean? You qualified it. By the 10-year mark in my last relationship, oh, I wanted out hard. Yeah. Hardcore. Yep. I still get excited when you text me when we're not together. When we are together, I'm just like, yeah, whatever. Just kidding. If I'm at work... She open bombs me. I do open bomb the fuck out of him. You're not worthy of my responses. Nope. You open bomb for a reason. Yeah. Well, most of the time it's because I have ADD, but we can go with that. I do it for a reason. I think subconsciously it might be a reason. Listen, whatever helps you sleep at night. I think the ADD is very bad with the perimenopause. But I don't know. Conversely, you are... Yes. You know me better than I know myself. Right. So I think if something was to ever happen to me or not happen to me... I'd have to use a lot of AI. Yes, you would. I'm kidding. And everybody will know because my teeth will be fantastic. Look at me clear my nostrils. Can you make AI do that? Can you make AI do this? Maybe. I probably wouldn't want it to. I don't know. Rude. I don't know. Anyway, yes, my instructions are fluid. They constantly change. However, you are very laid back that way too. You just roll with it. You know what I need. Well, I mean, I think in a relationship, you should have expectations, right? But I'm not necessarily entitled for you to be a specific way to make me happy. I like that sentence. You know what I mean? That might not be the way I wanted to say that. I have expectations, right? But I can't expect you to be a certain way all the time or in certain times or whatever. I can't expect that. That's on you. And I take from you, whatever you give. Which is, yep. My point is, I think I have a really fucking valid point, but I don't know how to say it. I feel like. Because you say I roll with things, right? You do. But I should. Yeah. Here's how I take what you're trying to say. I could be way off. No, go ahead. When sassy subby comes out, sometimes it's funny. And sometimes it makes me want to kick him square in the balls with a high heel on. Okay. Please. I feel like you are happy with whatever I'm going to give, right? You're not settling. No. Things that you would like. Yes. With me, you just never know. You never know what to expect. We have conversations and you're like, I can't fucking believe you just said that. I never know what's going to come out of your mouth. All the fucking time. But at the foundation, you're happy with whatever this is. You've said that from the beginning. Whether we do the female-led relationship, whether we do swinging, poly, whatever it is, whether we do any of the cuck holding, any of that, any of it, I'm here. I'm in. Yes. So I think that's why you're able to roll with things because at the foundation, you love me and whatever that comes with. And I think that allows you to roll with it. And I think that I have just enough of a spicy brain to keep you engaged. You don't get bored. Do you think that's fair? Yeah. But I think you're that way naturally. Spicy? Yeah. I could be. Yeah, I think you are. Because I don't provoke you to say things or do things, right? Oh, no, no, no. You just do them. You just go with whatever comes. A hundred percent. It's a fun fucking ride. I love it. It's a gift. It really is. I appreciate that you see it that way. Yes. That's what I appreciate about you. Let's just establish that I've majorly overachieved here. Right. Let's just establish that. Okay. Also. It's like the grape and the raisin. Yes. Yes. Just kidding. I had no idea she was going to say that. It's fun. It really is. I forgot what was going on. I have solidly done that to you for this whole episode. I'm not talking. Anyway, we have gone way off the rails. Yeah. Yeah. Kind of. Because we're talking about the instructions. Yes. Right. And that they can change. Yes. The point is the communication. The point is you have to share them. And it's not topping from the bottom if you're sharing the information. Right. I did this recently. I'm at the job a few weeks ago, whatever. Right. And you said you will not do blank. I forget what it was now. That wasn't even important. The point is you told me what I would not do. And I shared with you. I fucking crave that. Yep. And I have to be. I would like to be more comfortable. I don't have to do anything. No. I would like to be more comfortable in directing you when it comes to things you're doing for work. Like, especially a career that you did for so many years. I wasn't directing you. Like, I would never direct you on how to do that job. What I directed you on, what I said is no more tile after this. We are done. There will be no more commercial jobs. And we both agree on that. Right. But that is, I'm putting my foot down. Because I saw what that did to you. And I will not allow you to do that to yourself for money. Because there's no amount of money in this world that is worth the shit you went through. So once this is done. And listen, if you could walk away from the massive profit that this job would have paid right now and we get nothing more than we've already gotten, I'd be like, deuces. Yep. We out. Yep. I don't even care. Listen, we're on the same page when it comes to that. That's what I said. I have a hard time directing you on things that you've been doing for years. Specifically your career. Other things, though, like sometimes like, what are things? Because I have OCD a little bit. My way is the right way. So sometimes I will tell you how to do things. And you're like, you know, I did survive for 40 some years before you. To which my response is, I don't give a fuck. Do it my way. You're not dead yet. I will train you right. That's what I say. Now we're talking about tics and I fucking feel like I have creepy crawlies anyway. So, yes, I, I have been very comfortable in my own skin with you from day one. There are certain areas where I'm a little less comfortable being. Directive of my wants. Specifically when it comes to your work. Right. And like we, we've talked, we talked about this too, is when we, when OTC was going, you know, that is your area of expertise. I was new to all of this, right. And I had a hard time taking orders from you. Like I had a hard time. I mean, I could take directions, but that was a real power stroke because I had to listen to what you said. And sometimes I was like, fuck off. Right. I don't want to do what you say. And it's not that what you were saying is wrong, but I don't want to do what you say. I know. I'm basically a bratty toddler. For you. I would hope that you would be. Or become comfortable enough to not bite your tongue. I have. Or second guess. Right. And I have been, because you've told me this now 150,000 times. So it's just starting to sink in, in the old noggin, right. A lot of times now, I just say it and I don't think about it, which is why I said your breathing was annoying me. I know. Because I just said it. That's like the Rushmore moment of our relationship. Because as soon as it pops into my brain, I try, like, if you say something to me, I just give you my first response instead of thinking about it. Yep. Right. And you're getting the authentic me. And I'm trying very hard to be intentional about that. Well, I just have to remember that I can only do that with you. Right. Which is fine. Like, I can't go to work and somebody says something and I'm like. Sure you can. Sure you can. I would, we will be moving in the next month. Okay. If I do that. I know. Off the rails. But that's what I appreciate about you is that you encourage me to be my authentic self. And we have instructions. But I think that they're very fluid. It's like Harry Potter. Isn't there something that rewrites itself? It's the stairs that move. Oh, yeah. My instructions are like the stairs that move in Harry Potter. Sort of. Overall, they're pretty much the same. I think that overall, things that we agreed on or showed interest in in the beginning is still in play today. Yeah. At least the thought of it. The core. Yep. Right. The thought of it. So our instructions haven't, on the big things haven't changed that much. I think that, you know, because we've been together 10 plus years or whatever, we've learned each other more. So our instructions have fine-tuned a little bit, maybe. Yeah. On certain things. Yeah. Yeah. Something like that. That was my thinking phase. As would anybody's instructions change after a block of time. A hundred percent. You know, just talk about them. Talk about your instructions. You're good. Sorry. It's a meme of the kid. Oh, my God. These podcasts. They're so fun. Now, can you insert a raisin? Could you do a California raisin? Yes. Yes. I will put a California raisin holding his stomach. Did we cover everything? I think so. I don't know. It was a great post. It was a great post. And if the poster is listening to this. Thank you. Thank you for taking the time to post. I'm sorry that I really didn't do your post justice. However, if you would like to read it for yourself, anyone listening, you can go to. FLRSKOOL.com. In all seriousness, I am very, very excited about what this school is going to be. It's really the community that I've been looking for. And this is the perfect, I think, perfect platform. Yeah. So I'm excited. So if you want to check it out, you can go to. FLRSKOOL.com. Did I say two words? You said it so many times. You can't fucking remember. They all blend together a little bit. You don't know how to spell school. Yes. Anyway, is that, is there anything else? I don't think so. Again, thank you so much to the poster on there for triggering this interesting dialogue. Mm-hmm. With my subbie and I. Mm-hmm. I haven't seen him smile this much in a long time. For real. It's been. For realsie. It's nice. Yep. And it's quiet and nothing smells yet. Except for my feet. I cannot smell your feet. I can. I cannot also smell my armpits yet, but they are quite warm and wet. Oh, poor us. We don't have air conditioning or heat in our studio. Or our bus. Oh, we have heat. Just no air conditioning. Not yet. So that wraps this one up. Thank you all for listening. I hope you have a fantastic week. Stay safe. Be kind. I love you all. Can we come in?