0608 Female Led Relationships: Healthy Submission vs Codependency

This episode came straight out of a conversation inside the FKRSkool.com community — and it’s a good one.

The question was simple, but loaded:

How do you know if what you’re experiencing is healthy submission… or codependency?

So we broke it down.

Codependency, by definition, is rooted in low self-esteem, poor boundaries, and relying on another person for identity and validation. It often shows up as losing yourself in someone else, neglecting your own needs, and not being able to function independently.

Submission in a female-led relationship is something completely different. 

A submissive partner still has independence. Still has awareness. Still has the ability to take care of themselves if life throws something unexpected your way. The dynamic is chosen — not clung to out of fear or lack of self-worth.

We also talk about:

•  Why communication and boundaries are foundational in a healthy FLR 
•  The misconception that submissive equals weak (it doesn’t) 
•  Why real submission actually requires self-awareness and strength
•  How trust — not dependence — holds a power exchange together 
•  The difference between emotional attachment vs losing yourself completely

One of the biggest takeaways?

If your partner disappeared tomorrow, would you fall apart emotionally… or would you be unable to function at all?

That answer says a lot.

This episode isn’t about labeling your relationship.

It’s about understanding the difference between choosing to submit and needing someone to survive emotionally.

Transcript

0:03

This podcast is intended for mature audiences only. If you are not 18 years of age or older, there are thousands of other podcasts you can listen to and you can come back and visit us when you are 18. This podcast is meant solely for entertainment. We are not licensed doctors, lawyers, or therapists. We simply have a fascination with the lifestyle and would love to share it with you and get your thoughts and opinions. Really quick, lack of boundaries. I feel like as we've discussed in the courses at F-L-S-K-O-O-L dot com. Welcome back. Again, actually, because this is take two. Hi, Sabi. Hi, how's it going? It's going great. I feel like your blood pressure is high. Just kind of defeated. Goosefraba. Yeah. All right. Do we have any housekeeping? I'm not sure when this is going to drop, but the basis for this episode actually comes from F-L-R-S-K-O-O-L dot com. It's our thing and it's a community and people are talking and asking questions and having conversation and that's the point of a community. We should probably secure this so it doesn't move, right? And from, I'm going to say nothing. And from this community, we've gotten a question and that is what we are going to discuss today. We are going to discuss the difference between, or if there is a difference, between codependency and being submissive. First thing we're going to do, I'm going to read the definition from the old Google master on what codependency is. Codependency is an emotional, you would never know I used to do voiceover. Used to. Codependency is an emotional, sorry. Not like that. Codependency is an emotional and behavioral condition where a person is excessively reliant on a partner. Often one with addiction or chronic illness for validation and identity reject, neglecting their own needs. It is a dysfunctional relationship pattern marked by low self-esteem, poor boundaries, and a savior complex that enables another's harmful behavior. Okay, so before I even get into the key characteristics of being codependent, I'm going to say first of all that a submissive partner is very minimally reliant when it comes to their duties. You are participating in activities very independently. Yes, you are given direction, but for us specifically, I tell you to do something. As of late, I generally don't follow you around to make sure you're doing it right. I should though. Oh, you're talking about dishes. And cooking. Aren't you? Cooking and all the things. Yep. But I have let go of that. But I mean, for the most part, when you are a submissive male in our dynamic, that is very independent. So key characteristics and behaviors, approval seeking, enabling and rescuing, lack of boundaries, low self-esteem, self-neglect, poor communication. So the first thing, poor communication. I don't know that that can exist. Not safely in a female-led relationship. No, because it's founded on that. Correct. Right. So that's a major difference right there. Self-neglect, I think, maybe not in all, but part of a female-led relationship. This is very stereotypical of me, but I immediately go to if we were reversed, right? And if the male was the dominant and the female was the submissive, I feel like in those dynamics, it's more common that the male requires self-care or you need to go to the gym to work out to stay healthy, you need to eat healthy, whatever the reasons for that are. But I feel like it can be that way in these dynamics as well. Absolutely. Even though it's switched, I think it's just more commonplace in when it's the male who's the dominant. I get that and that's valid. And that should absolutely be the case in this dynamic as well. Yes. I mean, we have gotten there. I mean, we're both working on ourselves. Both us specifically, but in general. I think that the dominant female should have the expectations of the submissive male to take care of themselves and self-care, personal care and all that kind of stuff. I also feel like low self-esteem. I don't feel like that is... Maybe it is. That's hard to say. And man, what a rat hole we could go down on that. Really quick, lack of boundaries. I feel like as we've discussed in the courses at... F-L-R-S-K-O-O-L dot com. I can't even keep a straight fucking face when you do it. I believe boundaries are at the foundation with communication. Absolutely. I believe all of that is set and I believe you're revisiting those boundaries to see if everybody's so comfortable with the ones that have been set. That's my... The enabling and rescuing, caring for, fixing or taking on the responsibilities of another person. That's a tough one. Yeah. That one might apply. But I think it's in a healthy way, isn't it? Well, because you're probably directed to do that, you know, maybe. So that's not taken on by the... Maybe it can be taken on by the submissive, I guess. That one's a little bit of a gray area. But for the most part, they are two very different things according to the definition of each. Well, let's look at what is the definition of submissive. It's thinking. Google's AI is slow. Submissive describes a person inclined to yield to the authority, will or control of others characterized by being obedient, passive or compliant. It applies a lack of resistance, often displaying meekness or humility in relationships or in response to direction. So just from reading that definition. It's more controlled. Mm hmm. Lack of resistance. Here's the thing. Often displaying meekness. I have ranted about this on podcasts in the past. Like, I just feel like everybody views submissive as being weak. And I have never thought you were weak. I may call you a pussy, but I don't think you are. Stop being such a pussy. Yeah. I mean, I don't mind. Yeah. Contrary to what most people would believe, a submissive person can actually be a very strong person. I think you have to be to be a submissive. To submit to somebody else, you actually have to have some pretty good self-control. Some pretty good, a pretty good view of yourself. To be very self-aware. Self-aware. Yes. In order and mature enough to make that decision. Right. Now, there is a difference between a good, healthy FLR and a drooling, sniveling something or other on whatever social media that, you know, will comment or do anything for you. It's all about the fantasy. It's not the action. There are two different, really different things. Right. And that doesn't mean you can't have a fantasy FLR either, if that's what you're looking for. But that wasn't the point of what you were saying. But yeah, but this is that's a one and. Right. But this is just a well, basically, it's just a need to get your dick wet. Yeah. Really? Or not. Right. Just be punished. Well, yeah, whatever the jizz that comes out of it when you jack off about it. You know what I mean? But that's all it is to those to those. They don't because this is just a rant. So I'm not going to go on. But the little bit that what they are, what is available to most guys is incorrect information. What a real FLR is or can be. I agree with everything you just said. Oh, just kidding. A little golf clap for you. That's like, you know, when they do that at the poetry where they're snapping. Oh, yeah. Anyway, sorry. That was my little rant. OK, here is the actual question. Thank you for who posted it. How do you all know what you're doing is submissive as opposed to codependent? I'm asking out of ignorance and struggle, not out of judgment. Clarifying this as text without tone loses so much context. Yes, I get that. That's the one disadvantage of. FLR school, FLR, SKOL dot com. Yeah, that is the disadvantage of this. It's hard to do the text. I appreciate how that question was worded. I think since we've looked at the definitions of both, I just think reading and this is, again, just a Google definition, is there a clinical definition somewhere that probably implies that they are more similar than what they maybe really are? There are some similar I mean, you know, outwardly there would be some similarities, I guess. Yes. Right. But when you when you break it down like like you have with the definitions, there are drastic differences. I hate to keep saying this, but it's also mentioned in the courses. At the end of the day, life happens and you could lose your partner or health could take over or whatever the case may be. Right. So the submissive still has to have the ability to care for himself. Yes. Himself being like we are talking female led relationship. And I feel like a codependent, if it was a codependency, the if being submissive was codependent, the submissive man would not be able to care for himself in the event of an emergency or a health issue or whatever. They would fall apart because they wouldn't know what to do. Absolutely. So I think that is a big difference. Yep. If I if something was to happen to me, you would be just fine. Right. I mean, your world would shatter. It would. No, but I mean, be serious. I would be able to move on. Yes. It would be a struggle. Yes. Right. Just for emotional reasons, not for logistical reason. Right. Right. A codependent person might have problems with the logistical reasons also. That's what we're saying. That's correct. Yeah. OK, I mean, at one point, I think I thought I was codependent, but I 100 percent have solidly always been able to take care of myself because I had no other choice. OK, and you literally take care of. Right. You've taken care of yourself and other relationships. Yes. You know, family, men, all the things. Yes, that is valid. So, yeah. Well, I just feel better about myself. Sometimes I thought I was codependent, but fuck, I am not. No. And listen, this is just two people sitting in a room talking. And we may be way the fuck off base, right? But this makes sense to us what we're saying. Please find your own information. Yes. Please find your own information. You can listen to us if you want, and that's OK. Yes. But qualify it. Right. I mean, and I simply just did a Google search. It's just a Google definition of what codependency is. I again, I feel like. We are both very capable of taking care of ourselves, should that need arise, which leads me to believe that we are not codependent on each other, that is the biggest. Correct. Right. There are nights when I say to you in our nightly thing, whatever we call that, not mantra, but devotional. Yeah. My nightly thing before we ritual ritual. Yeah. Whatever. Every night. There are there are some of those nights where I will say that I'm addicted to you. But that's. Yeah. But that's good. That's because I really like being around you. Right. That's what I I like interacting with you. I like being led by you. I like discussing things with you. I like joking with you, all the things I like, all those things. I am a kind of not definition textbook addicted, probably. But I just really like I like us. I do, too. You know, which is good because we live in a very small space. And we've been doing it just fine for a few years now. Yeah. A couple of years. Yeah. Several years, whatever. However long it's been. Long, strange trip. Every day is a Saturday. Not true. Only to one person in the bus. Yes. Not to the other two. Correct. He's 16. Anyway, you were going to say something. Certainly we can go over this again. Right. Certainly there could be questions on top of that question. Right. So please, all the comments, all the emails, all the DMs, whatever it is. Let's talk more about this. Right. All any of these episodes. We do. Let's talk more. And if you have an opinion. Absolutely. You listening. If you have an opinion about what we've discussed or your two cents or a buck, 50, whatever it is to add to this. We love talking points. We love we love the comments and the questions that we're getting on school. Yep. Because it's oh, sorry. Sorry, because it just go. You don't have to say it. FLRSKOOL.com. I went to school for radio. You don't say. Might have brought that up a few times. Hey, do you ever do that? Any tile at Wal-Mart? I did. By Lakeville. Yep. Anyway. And who's it? We appreciate the feedback, the questions, the conversation starters, all of that that are occurring. Yes. At school. Yes. And not for our selfish reasons, but for. But because these things need to be talked about, right, and if and if the question comes up on the school community and we talk about it and we cut socials for these and they go up on the tick tock and the Instagram and the fucking Twitter. Right. Somebody watching might see that. Right. And start their own conversation. That's really what we're trying to do. This podcast is for informational purposes only. Yeah. We have a disclaimer. I did not go to broadcasting school. I went. She does really well. I went to. Hey there, big fella. Porn school. No, no. Because you've done voiceover, you could totally do radio and have fun with it. Yeah, it would be fun. I do like a mic in front of my face. Yep. If only I liked a dick in front of my face. Not anymore. Anyway, not the point of the podcast currently. Was there anything? Yeah. Valid. Is there anything else that you want to talk about on this one? I don't know. We've talked this one out a little bit, but again, please. Any feedback? Let us know. You can do it at the. Well, you can do it on the socials, right, or school or school or whatever, just in case you missed it. F L R S K O O L. Dot com. You sound like Casey Kasem when you say the dot com. I do that on purpose. I know. Any or you can email me at Christine Kellogg at gmail.com. K R Y S T I N E K E L L O G G. At gmail.com. If only you knew how hard that was for me. Thanks for listening to my podcast. Oh, take that out. Sad. We don't have any nuggets. There's no Easter egg. We didn't mention. Well, I'm sure Judy would listen to this. So there's your Easter egg. Hi, Judy. Hi, Steve. Is that it? Are we done? I think so. Stay safe. Be kind. Stay healthy. I love you all. Mwah. Can we come in?