0505 Female Led Relationships: “Dominance When Life is a Shitshow”

Chaos, Chastity, Confidence… and a Whole Lot of Honesty

And NOT a re-release!!

Life lately? An absolute fucking circus.
But I’m back—with a raw, unfiltered brain-dump about what it means to hold power when your whole world feels like it's spinning off its axis.

In this episode, I take you through:

• Real updates from my summer of survival
• A powerful email that reminded me why this podcast matters
• And a mind-blowing blog post that reframed dominance for me completely

If you’ve ever questioned your role, your energy, or your ability to lead when your tank is empty—this one’s for you.

What You’ll Hear Me Process (in real time):

•  Navigating FLR while caring for a parent with dementia
•  Work-camping drama, bus life upgrades, and parenting on the go
•  How to order kinky things without your kids discovering them
•  A heartfelt listener email about not topping from the bottom
•  The emotional burden of dominance—and why it doesn’t always feel sexy
•  Non-sexual intimacy through dominance (and why it still counts)
•  Letting him serve you even when you feel guilty
•  Faking confidence… until it stops being fake

“Dominance isn’t a reward for being in the right mood. It’s a structure that holds me up when I feel like I’m falling apart.”“Just because you’re touched out, burnt out, or pissed off doesn’t mean you have to lose connection. You get to define what intimacy looks like.”

Questions to Reflect On:

• Do you still feel dominant when your life is falling apart?
• How do you maintain structure and rituals in chaos?
• Are you holding back from giving direction because of guilt?
• How does your sub respond when you're emotionally unavailable?
• What small rituals can you create to reclaim power?

Resource Shout-Out:

• Dominance as the Bridge of Female Emotion and Non-Sexual Sexuality – Evolving Your Man Blog

Transcript

0:00

I have no sex drive whatsoever. My poor subbie. This podcast is intended for mature audiences only. If you're not 18 years of age or older, there are thousands of other podcasts you can listen to and you can come back and visit us when you are 18. This podcast is meant solely for entertainment. We are not licensed doctors, lawyers, or therapists. We simply have a fascination with the lifestyle and I'd love to share it with you and get your thoughts and opinions. Welcome back. Holy shit, it's been a long time since I said that. This is in real time. This is up to date, current. I'm going to do a little bit of housekeeping and then we're going to talk about dominance. So let's dive right in to the housekeeping. And just because house keeping, okay, so the first thing you'll notice is there is video on Patreon. I also want to say thank you to all of my patrons for sticking in there with me. It has been an in-fucking-sane summer. I can't even begin to tell you how overwhelmed I feel about a lot of things. It is very hard caring for someone with dementia and we aren't, I mean she's not living with us, but we spend about three hours or so every day on the road, including our time visiting to take my husband's mom, you know, things that she needs and just trying to make her comfortable and all of that. And then on top of that, we are working. The work camping position that we took is not turning out like we thought. It is not nearly as many hours as we were told it would be. It might be for the months of July and August, but it just has not, it just has not panned out like we thought it was going to be. And we're in a constant state of limbo because we don't know what's going to happen with Sabi's mom and where we're going to live this winter and all of these things. And it significantly stresses me out and I tend to bury myself and just not communicate. I shut everybody out and just try to focus on surviving. I have solidly been in fight or flight mode this entire time. So I'd like to just, as I said, to say thank you to my patrons. There are a few of you who are just holding strong and I can't tell you how much that support means to me. So thank you to my patrons. I appreciate each and every one of you. And that little bit of housekeeping is really just kind of a real quick life update. Oh, another real quick life update. Sabi put flooring in the bus. It really made a difference. It really opened it up. It looks beautiful. He did such a good job and it was hot as shit in there, but he did a very good job and we're working on hopefully getting the ceiling done very soon as well. And it's 100 percent going to feel more like a home and less like a construction project. So I'm very, very excited about that. I do want to point out some goods. I don't want all of this to be bad. I think that's it for housekeeping. We have some stuff going in the background, but we really have to focus our time on taking care of his mom right now and. Just surviving and figuring out what our plan is going forward or, you know, how much of a plan we can make until we. I mean, nobody can predict when someone's going to pass away. It's kind of just a take it day by day. And that's where we're at. The first part of this, I'm going to talk about some emails because I will tell you, I can't thank you enough for the emails that I get that say my words have helped your relationship. Sometimes I lose sight of what this podcast is really about and how it helps people. I think sometimes. I just get caught up and I don't know, but I can't tell you how much these emails mean to me and how much I appreciate them. Anybody that's watching on TikTok, your comments and, you know, telling me how much I've helped your relationship, that just means so much to me. I can't even express how much and how much I appreciate you taking the time. To reach out and tell me these things. One of the emails that I did receive from someone, and I'm not going to go too much in detail because I was told that if things were released because they're in the FLR closet, which I thought was funny, but I believe his exact words were his wife would put out a campfire with his face. So if that rings true to you and those that phrase sounds familiar, this is for you. Thank you so much for the email that you sent. It was fantastic. Very well written. I also appreciate that you recognized the topping from the bottom early on. And I love the approach you're taking now with the really just letting her get comfortable in her lead and doing what she says to the T. I think that is a super important tip for any man looking to be in a submissive relationship. It's very hard to not want to correct or do something differently because maybe you have a better idea of how it could be done. Or so here's an example. Sometimes I do things very ass backwards the first time. I will go about it the longest way, probably the most work for myself, right? Or I will direct my subbie to do it a certain way. He's nine years older than me. He's made a few more trips around the sun. He probably knows an easier way to do the task that I've assigned or the task that I'm attempting to do. And I think it's so important that he lets me do it because nine times out of 10, I figure it out. I'm like, oh, this would have been way faster if I would have done it this way. Most instances, he will just let me do it my way or he will do it my way. And then once it's finished or we have a check in, he'll be like, remember when we were doing this, it might have been a lot easier if you would have done it this way or whatever. I think him allowing me to do it my way and letting me learn from fucking it up or letting me figure it out myself is far more beneficial to my confidence because I think if in the situation he were to say, you know, if we did it this way, it would be a lot easier and maybe there's a better way to say it. But even still, if he was to do that, I think it would knock my confidence down or it would make me second guess myself. And I'm a terrible second guesser. So I very much appreciate that he kind of just lets me do the thing. And in this email that I received from this gentleman, he implied that he is really just following what she says to the T, doing it exactly how she wants it done, and that she's very much getting into her role of being the dominant. I feel like a lot of times women get very, very overwhelmed with the whole idea of having to control everything. It can be so overwhelming. For those women, I would say, one, you can always delegate. You can delegate to your partner if it's something that you don't want to do. I struggle with delegating because I want things done a certain way. And then I have to take the time to tell my Savi, this is how I want it done. And then half the time I end up showing him because in my brain, I know he's capable, but I still need to fucking show him how to do it. I can't. These are things that I need to fix about myself. However, he's very patient with me. And it sounds like you're very patient with your wife. I just thought that was great. That specific part of the email of how you're allowing her or you're doing, not allowing her, but you're doing the things just as she's directing. And it's really increasing her confidence and allowing her to really step into her dominant role and feel comfortable. That is huge. So well done. I do believe in the email. Also, you asked me about how do we order chastity hitches and get them to us without them being discovered by our kids? So we have a little bit of a different situation. We obviously live in a converted school bus and right now we're at a campground. And all of our packages go to the office and we are the only ones that can pick them up. So that is an advantage. We only have one kid in the house. He's 15 and he doesn't go up to the campground office to get our packages. If we were living, say, in an apartment or a house or whatever, and we've even done this since we've been in the bus. I will ship things to my daughter at her apartment and just tell in her name and tell her not to open it. I'll be like, hey, I ordered something from Amazon or hey, I ordered something from somewhere. Don't open it. Or if you do. You might be surprised. She is aware of our dynamic. She is also aware that we practice chastity to some extent. She has asked me questions and I've said this before. I always ask her. I will answer this question truthfully and honestly. Are you sure you want the answer? Most of the time she will say, maybe I don't. But sometimes she'll be like, yes, I want to know. So she is mildly aware of the chastity. Maybe not. I don't know. She's very good about not opening packages if I send them there. So that's kind of how we get to that aspect or how we get our stuff shipped is I'll either ship it to my daughter. Now, my stepdaughter, I would not do that with. I mean, we could we could totally ship things there and she wouldn't open them. She's not as interested in this lifestyle that we live. My daughter is more curious. My stepdaughter, who is my daughter. But just to clarify, because they're exactly the same age, I think there's an 11 month difference between the two. So we've essentially had twins. Only I didn't have to birth them. Big win. But she's a little bit less comfortable talking about our dynamic or about sexual things in in general, especially with her dad. She will ask me questions, but she still gets a little uncomfortable when we talk about like the functions of the human body or sex or, you know, things like that. So we tend to just send them to my daughter at her apartment. But that's how we get around that. I think that was the only question and I am going to respond to the email as well. But I wanted to throw this in the podcast because it kind of aligns with what I want to talk about. I have talked in the past about the Evolving Your Man blog. I love this so, so much. This is a fantastic resource. And I think the podcast focus is going to shift a little bit. I think I've I've really focused on the submissive, how to be a good submissive, because a majority of my listeners are men, right? I feel like I'm drawn to talk more about how to empower women. There is a very uneven playing field and I don't even like to use playing field, but there's it's very uneven. There are so many more men that are wanting to submit to their partner and so many women that maybe don't understand what that looks like or feel like they can't be dominant. So I would like to focus a little bit more on. And maybe this is geared more towards men to let me let me teach you how to empower your partner so that she can step into her role as a dominant. So thank you to the listener for the email. You kind of sparked this in my brain. So this is Dominance as the Bridge of Female Emotion and Non-Sexual Sexuality. That's the name, the title of the blog that I'm looking at. The beginning parts of it kind of just talk about how as women we can feel overwhelmed and we're not always hot, wet and ready to go. There are so many pressures in life in general for both men and women, and women, I think, deal with them a little differently than men. I think I don't know. I think women just deal with it differently than men. So this says, because when I lean into my feminine dominance, my femdom, I unlock a form of a form of intimacy that isn't always about penetration or even pleasure. It's about power. If I feel like if you can grasp that, there's such a misconception around sex that it has to be about penetration or intimacy has to be about penetration. There are so many of these dynamics where there is no penis and vagina sex at all, but their intimacy is off the charts. Once you can figure out how to, I don't know, embrace that and reprogram, and I hate that to reprogram. It just sounds so woowooey. But once you can break that cycle of thinking that intimacy revolves around penis and vagina penetration or, you know, that you have to have sex. Another thing is women. You are allowed to orgasm. Your partner does not need to. That was a hard one for me. But once you can grasp that and not feel guilty, that's also very empowering. This one made me giggle a little bit. Let's start by dismantling the myth that women should be consistent sexual creatures. Responsive, eager, radiant, glowing, touched by the finger of Aphrodite every time our man's arousal clicks on. This expectation, it's crushing because let's be honest, when I'm overwhelmed with work, navigating hormonal swings or trying to survive a tough day, sex can be the furthest thing from my mind. My goodness, how true is that? Just like I said in the beginning with the housekeeping issues, I feel so overwhelmed with everything that's going on in our life right now. And like I said, I feel like I'm in fight or flight mode all the time. I have no sex drive whatsoever, my poor subbie. It goes on to say that's where non-sexual sexuality comes in. Instead of avoiding intimacy when I'm not feeling hot and heavy, I reach for dominance, I reach for control. I reach for the version of sexuality that I create, one that serves my emotional needs in the moment. That, my love, is the beating heart of femdom. So here's what I took from that and what I really liked about that is that for me personally, a lot of my being overwhelmed is I feel like I don't have control and I feel like maybe taking control feels like more work sometimes. However, if I lean into that control, it's going to give me structure. And I think that will also help me get out of my fight or flight mode a little bit because I have structure. I'm in control of what's going to happen for the next hour, two hours, whatever it is. Having that control or taking that control, I think, after reading this, is going to allow me to relax a little bit. I'm going to be able to shut everything else out and just focus on what I'm in control of in that moment. Now, if I can do that in my everyday life, maybe that would be helpful, too. But this area is a little bit easier for me to grasp, taking control. And it's a little hard to do all the things that I want to do because, like I said, we are in a bus. However, that thing is way more soundproof than our camper ever was. And my youngest is now on a better sleep schedule, so there are possibilities. I just need to be more intentional with it. I think it would be beneficial. In this next part, she talks about dominance as confidence. Dominance can be an incredible substitute for confidence, especially in moments when you're feeling unsure, overwhelmed or just plain tired of second guessing yourself. The beauty of taking a dominant role, particularly in a relationship, is that it doesn't require you to feel confident in order to act confidently. That's a pretty powerful statement right there. I've said this before, too. Like the second I put a strap on, I feel super confident, super dominant. Like I don't second guess myself at all. I need to be able to harness that in other areas, too. I do feel that sense of confidence also when Sabi puts his chest device on or when he's caged. That necklace is pretty significant. It's a pretty significant weight around my neck when we are practicing chastity. That also helps, I think, for me. When you fake confidence through dominance, something fascinating happens. Your body and mind start to believe you. You make a decision without wavering. You command instead of asking. You hold eye contact. You speak slower. You start to feel yourself take up space, his space, your space, shared space. And the feedback loop begins. You start to feel like a woman who knows what she wants because now you do. Dominance is an invitation to play the part of the woman who is done apologizing. And before you know it, she stops being a role. You play and becomes who you are. It's just like the affirmations that we've talked about. If you were to look in the mirror every day and tell yourself that you're beautiful, you're smart, you're funny, all of that, and you continue looking at yourself, it's really hard in the beginning. You will eventually realize it's true. You are beautiful. You are strong. You are empowering. You can be in control and you shouldn't be scared to try. It will have its ups and downs. It will be. I don't know. Let's circle back to me because, you know, it's all about me. I have been very intentional. My subbie is very good about telling me how sexy I am. Like he will be doing something and he will stop what he's doing and just gasp and be like, I cannot get over how incredibly sexy you are. I never really knew how to react to that. I didn't know how to take a compliment. And I have intentionally about instead of just saying thank you, being like, I know. Or that's how I was made. Or I've been this way since birth. Or and just being confident about these compliments. Like. I don't know, it almost sounds conceited, but I think it turns him on because I think there is nothing sexier than a confident woman. And, you know, I don't always do that either. Sometimes I am very open and honest about my feelings and I'm like, you know, I really like the way you make me feel. I really like when you do that. Like I communicate those emotions as well. But I'm trying to be more intentional instead of saying thank you. I'll be like, I know. Or yep, I know. You know, whatever. And it seems to have a positive effect on him. I think that is one of the biggest things that women can do to embrace their control is. Be dominant, fake it till you make it. I've said that before, too. Fake it till you make it. Eventually it will sink in that you are very powerful. You don't need to second guess. And it's 100 percent OK and valid for you to say how you want something, how you like something. Telling your partner what to do. And the big thing, too, is to remember that your partner is craving this dynamic. They want to submit to you. They want to serve you. That was a hard one for me to grasp. I think I still struggle with it to this day. For example, if my water bottle is empty, I will generally either one, get up and fill it myself, or I will look at my subbie and be like. Could you fill my water bottle? It's empty. Here's what I'm trying to be more intentional about. I will look at my water bottle and I'll say, why is this empty? And he will jump up and fill it for me. For us personally, this is what he's looking for for me. This is what he really likes when I'm dominant like that. I don't because I'm a very people-pleasing person. So I tend to, you know, will you do this for me? Or, you know, I ask in a way that's not very dominant. And he thrives off of me being dominant and controlling. And rather than saying, will you, I need to just demand that it gets done. Another big thing that has made a difference, and I feel like I've talked about this maybe on a TikTok, is that every single night before we go to bed, he has something that he says to me, like a phrase that we have set up that he needs to say to me every night. And in the beginning, it was very weird, like I didn't know how to respond. And now if he doesn't do it, like I get pissed. So I think having these things that you, if there's something that can be said at night that's encouraging to encourage your partner to feel comfortable in her dominance, that is so helpful. It's going to be very awkward at first. At least it was for me. But once you hear it for so long and then you don't hear it, you're like, what the fuck? It's so helpful. The blog does go on to talk about resentment, frustration, anger, anger, consistent sexual energy without consistent desire. Sexuality is an essential practice. And what to do when you're, oh, this is a good one. What to do when you're anxious. Don't avoid sex. Use it to soothe. Put him in chastity. Let him rub your shoulders, your feet, your thighs. Let him focus entirely on your body without any expectation that you'll perform. Make it about you, not about penetration or pleasure. Teach him that intimacy means showing up for your anxiety and not escaping it. So, and it goes on to talk about anger and things like that as well. Again, all of all of my struggles. I have a hard time because my subbie works very hard, right? And I feel like I don't, maybe that I don't work as hard as he does, but then I feel bad if he's working. And then comes home and then I want him to do things for me. He thrives on that. He wants that. He needs that. That's how he releases his stress from the day. And here's the other thing. I do a fucking lot. I do a lot for his mom. I do a lot around the bus. I cook, I clean by my choosing. And I don't always clean. He cleans as well. He's more in charge of the outside things because I'm picky about how the inside things are done. So this is my choice. I enjoy doing these things, but I need to let go of the guilt of asking him to do things for me because this is what he wants. This is what he craves. I'm only denying him of something that he wants. This would make him happy. Okay, so this one is good too. And I think important. Touched out. You don't have to be touched to be sexual. Lock him in his chastity cage and make him stay across the room. Have him watch you undress without coming closer. Be in control of every inch of contact. Femdom means you decide how much, how frequently, and what kind. You're in control of what happens next, if anything. That's a big one. I don't know if with age, I very much like touching my subbie. I very much like when he touches me. I think there's a couple days, maybe prior to my period, or I haven't really paid attention to exactly where they are, where even my clothes on my skin make me want to fucking scream. It seems to get more intense with age. Like, I don't know if I'm just more sensitive, sometimes clothes, just the fabric of them irritate my skin. Not irritate, but irritate me that they're touching my skin, I guess is a better way to put it. And also as far as like putting him in the corner while I undress, this is also a form of punishment that I've used before when he doesn't do as he's been directed. I will make him watch me undress. I'll sometimes put lotion on because I know he enjoys that and not let him touch me. It's more of a punishment for not doing something and it maybe could be classified as a punishment too. I don't know. I think he just enjoys seeing me naked. So really, is he being punished? Probably not. Maybe a little because he can't touch me. But in these instances, especially, you know, ladies, if you're feeling touched out, that's valid. That's OK. You don't have to feel guilty for it. You're in control. Embrace that control and run with it. Oh, here, let me just throw this in and then we'll wrap it up because I'm a bit of a rambly randy on this one. So real life, how I use it. When I'm feeling overwhelmed, Kev massages my shoulders in silence while I sip tea. He's locked. He's present. That's our intimacy. When I'm angry, I bring out my strap on. I don't need to talk. I just need to act. The power shift claims me. It grounds me. That's an interesting one because a lot of times we have talked about not doing doing things in anger. But I don't think this specifically means like she's angry at him. Maybe it's just been a bad day or she's angry. But either way. Embrace it if you can be responsible and not take it. To a bad place or as long as it's consensual. Absolutely. Then she says, when I'm anxious, I have him like candles and worship me quietly. Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I scream. Sometimes I fall asleep in his lap. It's still intimacy. These are all sexual acts in the femdom world, not because they involve penetration or orgasms, but because they're deeply rooted in dominance, trust, control and connection. I care about his sexual needs and realize that what I do with him plays back into the way he serves my emotional needs. He sees effort for what it is and gives it back in the ways I receive it best. The biggest thing I took from that is that her subbie knows her. My subbie knows me. He knows how to handle me when I'm going through all of my and I don't even like the word handle, but he knows how to interact with me when I'm having my mood swings, whether it's hormones or just I'm angry with something happened that was something that happened that day. I'm frustrated with nothing going right. For example, trying to set up for this fucking podcast today, nothing would go right. I text him a little bit, whatever. Calm down. I found everything I needed and I got it done. He knows me well enough to know how to interact with me and he also knows me well enough to know how to encourage me to be dominant and be confident in who I am. He's very encouraging in the way he interacts with me on my dominance and he also just makes me feel like the prettiest girl in the world. So there is that. I will link the article in the show notes. You can go check it out. It's a fantastic article. It could be very helpful. Take what applies to you and run with it. Not everything will. And whatever does it, let it go. Move with what does. I hope this helps. I feel seriously like this is my first podcast. I don't have to be here to bounce ideas off of or to have a conversation with. I haven't talked to myself in a long time. Thank you again to the listener who emailed me. I will get back to you and I sincerely appreciate you taking the time to share a little bit about your dynamic with me. And that wraps this one up. More to come soon I hope. I don't even remember what I used to say at the end you guys. What the hell. Be kind. What is it? Stay safe. Be kind. Fuck. I don't remember. What am I going to do now? I'm going to have to just do. Love you all. Can we come in? Can we come in?