0146 Female Led Relationships:Let’s Talk About Talking: Communication in FLR

We’re back from multiple vacations, we’ve battled bad internet, shady bank activity, and a child-filled Uber—and now we’re hitting you with one of the most essential (but least sexy) parts of a Female-Led Relationship: communication.

This week, I dive into a PsychCentral article about Nine Steps to Better Communication—and, surprise!—I have a lot to say about it.

This episode is raw, real, rambling, and right from the gut. If you’ve ever felt misunderstood, unheard, or just flat-out confused in your FLR, you’re not alone.

What You’ll Hear Me Rant (lovingly) About:

• Real-life chaos: Vacations, broken internet, kids, and compromised bank accounts
• Surfacy convo vs. real emotional communication—how to spot the difference
• Why “just listening” is harder than it sounds (and yes, I’m guilty)
• Blended families, arguments, and learning to not hyper-focus on the wrong thing
• Tech vs. touch: Is texting about feelings better or worse than saying them out loud?
• Self-awareness, emotional dicklexia, and why I talk with my arms crossed and no eye contact
• The reality that communication isn’t one-size-fits-all—and that’s okay

Krystine’s Take:

“If you can’t be honest with your partner about how you feel—or what you fantasize about—what’s the point of the dynamic?”“You are allowed to feel how you fucking feel. Don’t ever let anyone shame you out of that.”

Episode Vibe:

Warm, slightly chaotic, a little sweary, and full of heart. You’ll laugh, nod, and maybe rethink how you approach serious conversations with your partner—especially when it comes to your dynamic.

Listener Reflection Questions:

• Do you feel emotionally safe enough to tell your partner everything?
• Have you mistaken casual check-ins for actual connection?
• Are you more open through texting, voice, or face-to-face conversations?
• How often do you validate your partner’s feelings (or ask for validation yourself)?
• Are you guilty of bringing up old stuff during current argumen

Transcript

0:00

While talking to your partner is indeed a form of communication, if it's primarily about everyday surfacy topics, how were the kids, how was work, how's your mother, you're not really communicating about the important stuff. This podcast is intended for mature audiences only. If you're not 18 years of age or older, there are thousands of other podcasts you can listen to and you can come back and visit us when you are 18. This podcast is meant solely for entertainment. We are not licensed doctors, lawyers, or therapists. We simply have a fascination with the lifestyle and I'd love to share it with you and get your thoughts and opinions. Welcome back, episode 46, we're going to talk about my favorite subject today, communification. I always talk about how communication is key. So today I have an article we are going to look at and I'm going to give my opinion, but first let's address some housekeeping. Kind of flying by the seat of my pants, we've been on vacation kind of like almost two weeks. So as you heard in last week's, we were on the Uber and then we came home for like three days and then went to Iowa for a week or just under a week and then back to camp this weekend. So we haven't really been home a lot. I haven't really had time to do much of anything because it seems like everywhere we go, we don't have internet, which is going to need to be resolved for when we live in our camper. But vacation was good. It really sucks trying to get back into the swing of things when you get home, but here we are. That's kind of a housekeeping issue. So we were on vacation and our bank account was compromised. So that was fun. Tried to deal with that on vacation. It's a whole bunch of fuckery. Not sure what the fuck, but anyway, dealing with that. Haven't really been present on social media much at all, mainly because of an internet connection. And two, I had my kid with us, both in the Uber and in Iowa. So it was hard for me to be able to log in and do social media things, but hopefully this week we will be back on track and things will settle down from our multiple vacations in a short time or two. Anyway, let's talk about communication. Okay. So this article is from, it looks like Psych Central. The title of it is Nine Steps to Better Communication Today. As usual, we will put, well, my subbie will put a link in the show notes in his spare time, which is non-existent. Anyway, I don't know what's up with my throat, too much chocolate, whatever. Let's take a drink of water before we start this. Kind of miss vaping while I'm doing this podcast. Okay. So again, this is from Psych Central and it's Nine Steps to Better Communication Today. Relationships don't exist in a vacuum. They exist between two emotional human beings who bring their own past experiences, history and expectations to it. Two people also have different levels of skill when it comes to communication, but better communication, because it is a skill, can also be learned. The most popular myth about communication and relationships is that since you talk to your partner, you're automatically communicating. While talking to your partner is indeed a form of communication, if it's primarily about everyday surfacy topics, how were the kids, how was work, how's your mother, you're not really communicating about the important stuff. So this article is primarily about how to talk more open and in a more open and rewarding manner. Ooh, it's going to be that type of episode. Buckle up, stutter central. This article is primarily about how to talk in a more open and rewarding manner with your significant other. I think I've talked about this on past episodes too, which we've kind of fallen out of the habit now, but we used to take like five minutes when my subbie got home from work to just kind of talk. I mean, minimum five minutes, 20 would be good. But I mean, just where we and it was maybe surfacy stuff like how was your day, things like that. But it was also just a time for us to one on one connect and hey, what do we need to do? What needs to get done? How was work? What you know, what's stressing you out? Just a time for us to connect. OK, back to the article, communication either makes or breaks most relationships, you can improve your relationship today, right now by putting into practice some of these tips for improving communication in your relationship. And number one, I am very guilty of not doing this. Stop and listen. How many times have you heard someone say this or read it in an article about communication skills? How hard is it to actually do when you're in the moment? Harder than it sounds when we're when we're knee deep in a serious discussion or argument with our significant other. It's hard to put aside our point for the moment and just listen. We're often so afraid of not being heard. We rush to keep talking. Ironically, such behavior makes it all more all the more likely that we won't be heard. I'm very guilty of this. Not that my subbie and I ever really argue much, but it has happened in the past. I mean, it's been very... Fuck, I can't remember the last argument we had, but I would suspect that it was... Oh, there's that word. We're going to do a tally of how many times I say suspect or I suspect. Apparently, it's a word I use frequently. I think, though, that that last argument that we had probably had something to do with our kids. Having a blended family is a real fucker. It has its rewards, too. But when you are in the early stages of it, which is probably the last time we had an argument, was in the early stages of our relationship or earlier stages of our relationship. And I suspect it was probably about one of our children. I am very aware of the fact that when we do argue, he will say one thing that he maybe doesn't mean. And I hyper focus on that and beat it to death in that argument. And I really try not to. I don't know. It's real hard for me to listen in an argument, too, because I have much to say. And of course, I feel like I'm always right. Not always the case. So stop and listen. Number two is force yourself to hear. You've stopped talking for the moment, but your head is still swirling with all of the things you want to say. So you're still not really hearing what is being said. Laugh all you want, but therapists have a technique that works very well that forces them to really hear what a client tells them, rephrasing what a person has just said to them. It's called reflection. See, I kind of already addressed that in my last comment. I have so much going on in my head that sometimes even when we're not arguing, just in general, he will say and we're both guilty of this, both of us. He'll say that he told me something and I do not remember him telling me. However, if you tell me something while I'm doing something else, chances are my ears are not working as they should. Same with him. What do you mean? You never told me about that. Sure fucking did. It does say this may upset your partner if you do it too much or you do it in a tone that suggests you're mocking rather than trying to seriously listen. So use the technique sparingly and let your partner know why you're doing it if they ask. Sometimes I don't think I'm getting what you're telling me and doing this lets me slow my mind down a bit and really try and hear what you're saying. I think this is a good point. We learned this in school when I was going to school for H.R. It it talks about how you don't have to rephrase everything that they said, but pull maybe some key points out when you're talking or responding or whatever. And sometimes that can just be validating their feelings or just kind of validating what they said and showing them that you heard what they said. I think it's important to validate feelings or really know that you are hearing what your partner has to say if you're talking about lifestyle things, because if something happens and you've had a discussion and you maybe forgot, I don't know, the lifestyle can be tricky and it can absolutely cause a huge divide between the two of you. Like communication is so important and understanding and validating your partner's feelings, whatever they may be. OK, this is a good one, too. Number three, be open and honest with your partner. Some people have never been very open to others in their life. Heck, some people might not even know themselves or know much about their own real needs and desires. But to be in a relationship is to take a step toward opening up your life and opening up yourself. Little lies turn into big lies, hiding your emotions behind a cloak of invisibility might work for you, but won't work for most others. Pretending everything is all right isn't all right. And giving your partner the silent treatment is about as useful as a fish with a bicycle. In the desert at night, these things may have worked for you in the past, but they are all barriers to good communication. Being open means talking about things you may have never talked about with another human being before in your life. It means being vulnerable and honest with your partner completely and unabashedly. I think that's how you say that word. It means opening yourself up to possible hurt and disappointment, but it also means opening yourself up to the full potential of all a relationship can be. I have never in my life. Been more open and honest with anyone than my subbie and maybe I don't know, there may have been a couple of friends that probably I mean, I have a couple of friends that know a lot about me, but my subbie also knows those things as well. I felt very relaxed with him from the get go and being open and honest with him about things that I would normally be embarrassed about talking about, like sex or things that turn me on. I never felt embarrassed to tell him those things. And I learned a lot about myself in the conversations that the two of us had about sex or different kinks or things like that. Things that maybe have always turned me on. And he pointed out and said, do you think maybe this is something you really enjoy? I never thought about it that way. He has really shaped who I am just by us having open and honest communication about things. I think if you can't be completely open and honest now, all that being said, I understand the damage that years and years of our relationship or even just a few months of our relationship with somebody who laughed at you for things or made fun of you for things that you maybe enjoyed or maybe it was just about your appearance or anything like that. I can't I understand to my core the damage that that causes. And I really think having somebody in your corner that truly unconditionally listens to you and allows you to tell them your deepest, darkest secrets. Is one of the most solid parts of having a healthy relationship and solid foundation to your relationship. I don't know that there's anything in this world that I would lie to my subbie about at all. Like there's nothing that I would hide from him. There's nothing I'm ashamed to tell him. I just think that. Everybody should have that one person and maybe it doesn't have to be your partner, but. I'm real glad mine is. Anyway. I say that a lot, too. Anyway. OK, number four, pay attention to nonverbal signs. Oh, I am not an observant person. This should be interesting. Most of our communication with one another in any friendship or relationship isn't what we say, but how we say it. Nonverbal communication is your body language, the tone of your voice, its inflection, eye contact, how far away you are when you talk to someone else. Learning to communicate better means that you need to learn how to read these signals as well as hear what the other person is saying. Reading your partner's nonverbal skills takes time and patience, but the more you do it, the more attuned you will be to what they're really saying, such as folded arms in front of the person may mean they're feeling defensive or closed off. Lack of eye contact. OK, first of all, folded arms. I stand like that a lot or I sit like that a lot just because it's comfortable. I rest them right under my boobs. It's real comfortable. And I think I stand like that a lot, too. But I don't think I feel defensive or closed off when I do it. Self-evaluation time. Lack of eye contact may mean that they're not really interested in what you're saying, are ashamed of something or find it difficult to talk about something. I think I'm socially awkward. Sometimes it's hard for me to make eye contact because I don't want people to think I'm creepy. I don't. Maybe I need to be better at lack or at not lacking eye contact. I start staring people right in their pupils. Louder, more aggressive tone may mean the person is escalating the discussion and is becoming very emotionally involved. It might also suggest they feel like they're not being heard or understood. I'm a real loud person, too, I think. I think I talk real loud. Hmm. I'm not a very good communicator. I always have my arms folded. Don't generally make eye contact. I'm real loud. I don't know if I'm aggressive, but I'm loud. Someone who's turned away from you when you. Someone who's turned away from you when talking to you may even may. Let's try this again. Oh, sorry about that. Someone who's turned away from you when talking to you may mean disinterest or being closed off. I don't think I do that, but I am fucking loud, lack eye contact and bold arms. I don't know how much of this I believe because I. Maybe I'm generally interested in a lot of what people have to say, if you're I mean, if I'm talking to someone, I'm usually pretty engaged in the conversation, but I don't know if I. I'm going to have to be more observant about how I communicate. I don't know, I think now I'm trying to think if my subbie makes eye contact, it seems like sometimes when we're talking, we're both looking at our tablets or computers or phones. Sometimes I do get real bitchy about that, though, if he's looking at his phone and I'm talking to him, I'll stop talking to him until he's done looking at his phone. While he's probably more than capable of listening to what I have to say, I feel like if I wait until he's done doing what he's doing on his phone, he will retain what I'm telling him, though it's probably not anything life or death. Sometimes I feel like the information sticks better if he's not looking at his phone. All the while you're reading your partner's nonverbal signals, be aware of your own make and maintain eye contact. It's real hard for me. Keep a neutral body stance, also real hard for me, and the tone of your voice and sit next to the person when you're talking to them. I can sit next to a person when they're talking to me, but sometimes I don't want people in my bubble. Back up, stay out of my bubble. Tone of my voice, I think the tone of my voice is pretty accurate. I think that my tone changes with whatever my brain is feeling. So it's might be pretty accurate. Number five, stay focused on, stay focused in the here and now. Sometimes discussions turn into arguments that can morph into a discussion about everything and the kitchen sink. To be respectful of one another and the relationship, you should try and keep the discussion or argument focused on the topic at hand. While it's easy to get in the cheap shots or bring up everything that an argument seems to call for, just don't. If the argument is about who's making dinner tonight, keep it to that topic. Don't veer off down the country road of who does what in the house, who's responsible for child rearing, and by the way, who cleans the kitchen sink. I think my subbie is probably the only partner that I can honestly say I don't do this to. If we are arguing again, we don't do that very often, but we are both very conscious of the fact that we do not bring up past things, whether it is past people, past actions, past arguments, past mistakes that we have hopefully learned from and moved on. Arguments that do veer off tend to escalate and grow larger and larger. One party needs to make an effort at that point to try and de-escalate the argument, even if it means walking away from it, literally. But do so as respectfully as possible, saying something like, look, I can see this isn't going to get any better by discussing it tonight. Let's sleep on it and try and talk about it with fresh eyes in the morning, OK? Oh, I sleep like shit if we do that. I think that's only happened a couple of times in our entire relationship where we just have to go to bed and sleep it off. But I sleep like shit. And generally I wake up bitchy in the morning, which lately I've just been waking up bitchy in the morning. Never really been much of a morning person, but lately I've been a real cunt in the morning and I don't know why. Maybe I'm not sleeping well or he's doing something naughty in my dreams. Hard to say. Not good naughty. So I agree with this one 100 percent. Try to really not bring up things in the past. If something that your partner did to you in the past still really bothers you, you have to sit with that and figure out why it still bothers you and maybe sit down in a calm manner or a calm fashion and discuss it with your partner or figure out how you can heal yourself and let that fucking go and move on. It's not easy. It's really not easy. I also can feel that one to my core. It is real hard to let go of things that really hurt in the past. But if you're still with that person that did something hurtful to you. You got to figure out how to let it go. It can't keep coming up in arguments. It is not healthy and eventually it will ruin your relationship. Number six, try to minimize emotion when talking about important big decisions. Nobody can talk about important big matters if they feel emotional a bit. I do not know what's up my mouth. Maybe I need to put a wiener in it. Big matters if they feel emotionally vulnerable or charged up and angry. Those are not times to talk about the serious issues like money, getting married, the kids or retirement. You might think it impossible or even big word or struggle or even contradictory to talk about an emotional topic like getting married or having children without emotion. And yet these discussions need to keep a foothold of rationality to them in order to not gloss over the realities that they bring. Marriage, for instance, brings the combining of households and living with another person day to day. Having kids isn't just about cute toddler clothes and painting a nursery, but talking about who's going to change diapers, feed the newborn and be available at all hours of the day and night for months on end. I don't know. I don't know that there was ever a whole bunch of emotion in us deciding to move in together. We should have had those discussions in past relationships for fucking sure. But I think that's a good one. Seven, be ready to seed an argument. How many times do we continue to argue or have a heated discussion because we simply want to be right? Oh, there is that. I've talked about this sense of needing to win arguments more than once. Why? Because so many of couples arguments revolve around one party thinking they are right and the other party not willing to concede to the point or back off. In fact, though, both parties need to back off. By doing this, you by doing this, are you giving up a piece of yourself by compromising and not insisting on how right you are? Well, that's sometimes the only thing you can decide. Would you rather be in a happy relationship where you respect the other person, even if you may occasionally disagree with them? Or would you rather be in an unhappy relationship where you know you're always right no matter what? It just comes down to your priorities. If being right is more important than you, if being right is more important to you than your partner's happiness, then perhaps you have not found the right partner. I sure do like to be right. However, I'm pretty good about admitting when I'm wrong. As is my subbie. And most of the time he just I don't I don't know if this is really an issue for us in the past. There were times not with my subbie, but in past relationships, there were times I fucking knew I was right, fucking knew I was right and I could have proved I was right. But listen, you got to choose your battles. I didn't have the energy for the argument that was going to ensue from proving that that motherfucker was wrong. I know a little aggression about it yet. Number eight, humor and playfulness usually help. You don't have to be funny in order to use humor and playfulness in everyday conversations, you just need to use the sense of humor you do have and try to and try to inject it into more of your communications with your partner. Humor helps lighten everyday frustrations and helps put things into perspective more gently than other methods. Playfulness reminds us that even as adults, we all have a side to us that enjoys fun and taking a break from the seriousness of work and other demands made on us. First thing that comes to mind when I read this is my subbie and I have this little game that we play. It's real fun, makes everything kind of dirty. But if one of us says something that even remotely sounds dirty, we'll use the word often or never. It's a fun game we play in front of the kids. Most of the time they don't catch on. Our kids are older. I mean, obviously my 11 year old doesn't catch on. But for instance, I don't know, like if I'm doing something, I'm like, gosh, this is really hard to get off. My husband will say never or rarely, often or rarely. You know, he'll make a comment of rarely or often as in relation to our sex life or just dirtiness in general. It's a fun way we kind of make each other giggle and it's kind of our own fun little game. Nine, communicating is more than just talking. To communicate better and more effectively in your relationship, you don't have to talk. You can communicate in other ways through your actions and nowadays electronically, too, through email, Facebook, blogs, texting or Twitter. All too often, couples focus on talking on the talking aspect of their relationship, but your actions also speak loudly. Keeping in touch throughout the day or week through email or other electronic means also reminds the person you're thinking about them and how important they are in your life. Even if such communications are mainly playful or inconsequential, they can help lighten your partner's day and improve their mood. Some couples also find that using email and another method email or another method is easier to discuss emotional issues rather than trying to do so face to face. It's something to consider if every time you try to bring up a particular topic with your significant other, it turns into an argument or they shy away from it. Email or texting may be a way of communicating about such matters more openly and directly. OK, I'm terrible at this because I think this is a great way to communicate about things that you're maybe not comfortable talking to your partner about face to face because in the beginning, things that maybe were brought up, I think some of it was brought up via phone or text because it was very new and my reaction wasn't, I don't know, my reaction wasn't bad, but he didn't know what my reaction was going to be like and he felt more confident in what he had to say because he can be kind of a keyboard warrior, my subbie. So. Doing email or texting is great, my biggest. Dislike of either is I don't know if I have like emotional dyslexia, I have emotional dicklexia or dyslexia. I think that I interpret things. Not the way they're intended or I say things and they're interpreted not the way they were intended. That's why I feel a face to face conversation for me personally is so much better because I think things go from my eyes to my brain the first time I read it one way and then I go back and I read it again and it comes back a completely different way. I think I do much better with verbal communication rather than written, but. I don't know, I mean, this could I mean, we had some pretty in-depth conversations in the very early stages of our relationship because we were two hours away from each other. So all of what I just said is one thing, but I did do this for quite some time. I much prefer now to do it face to face, but we've still had some pretty good conversations. My subbie is very good at. Discerning. My mood or I don't know if I use that right, because, you know, big words on a Sunday night is not a good thing for me after a vacation for a week, but. He's very good at making sure I understand exactly how he's bringing his point across. And at the point we're at now, I know him well enough. To know his moods or how he is approaching a situation or how he's talking to me. I can, I can interpret that through the text or I know that, you know, something might come off as being dickheadish, but it's not or, you know, whatever the case may be. I would be leery or not leery. I would just be cautious with emails and text messages about important conversations when it comes to lifestyle things or your feelings. It might be easier to talk about your feelings through a text. Just make sure it's coming across right, maybe. Nobody is a perfect communicator all the time, but you can work to become a better communicator by trying a few of these tips. They won't all work, nor will they all work all the time. Better communication, however, starts with one person making the effort to improve, which often encourages the other to come along for the ride. So to kind of wrap this up, I have said this since probably episode one. Communication is key, just like your lifestyle. Everybody communicates differently. Everybody has their own dynamic. If you are in a new relationship with someone and you are not sure of how they communicate or you feel like you're taking something they're saying wrong. Just be open, like, you know, address it. Hey, you said this and I kind of felt like you, this is how it kind of made me feel. Was that your intention? Or I think if people could stop, for lack of a better word, pussyfooting around things, I mean, why do we have to feel guilty about expressing how we feel? How come people are embarrassed by their feelings? Like, when did this happen? Has this been around forever? I mean, just say how you feel. Can you imagine all the miscommunications you could get rid of if you would just be like, whoa, that fucking hurt my feelings. Why did you do that? I think sometimes people hurt your feelings and don't even fucking realize they're hurting your feelings. I think open communication and don't be embarrassed. You are allowed to feel how you fucking feel. Don't ever let anybody make you feel bad because you feel a certain way. And maybe you won't always feel that way. Maybe if you sit down and talk about why you feel this way, you'll realize something that maybe is in you that you can change so you don't feel that way anymore. Self-work is a bitch, but the reward is worth it. Anyway, enough of my rambling for this wonderful Sunday. I hope everybody had a fantastic week. I hope you have a fantastic week coming up. I have no idea. I would really like to have my campground friends on the podcast next week. They were supposed to be on this week, but we did not have all the supplies supplies to make that happen. I would really like it to happen next week. So that is my goal. To have them on. And I think you guys will all love them. They're fantastic people, as I keep saying. Be good human beings. Have a fantastic week. And I can't wait to talk to you next week. Take care. Love you all.