0128 Female Led Relationships: How Subs Can Help Dommes Lead

/////   RE-RELEASE   /////

This week I’m talking directly to you, my beautiful dommes and the subs who serve them. Because as much as FLR is about power dynamics and structure, it’s also about real-life partnership—and that means growth on both sides.

We’re diving into how submissives can support their dominant partners, especially when the Domme is still finding her confidence, her rhythm, or her voice. Spoiler alert: you don’t have to start with thigh-high boots and whips. You start with communication, patience, and the courage to show up.

Also in this episode: a few raw truths about my chaotic life lately, why I’m done giving a flying fuck what people think on social, and what being called a “FLR Master” made me feel (spoiler: not super comfy).

What You'll Walk Away With:

• Tips on how subs can actively help their dommes grow in confidence
• A real look at what being dominant feels like (hint: it’s not automatic)
• How to build a relationship rooted in affirmation, not humiliation—unless that’s your thing 
• The difference between fantasy and actual FLR dynamics
• Why this lifestyle is yours to design, not something to measure by anyone else’s rules

Google-Worthy Questions This Episode Helps Answer:

• How do I support my partner becoming a dominant in an FLR?
• What’s the difference between kink and female-led relationships?
• What does it mean to “top from the bottom”?
• How do I become a more confident Domme?
• What is a loving dominant?
• How do I punish my sub without being physical?
• What’s a good beginner

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Transcript

0:50

The unedited version of this would be real fun. Real fun. This podcast is intended for mature audiences only. If you're not 18 years of age or older, there are thousands of other podcasts you can listen to and you can come back and visit us when you are 18. This podcast is meant solely for entertainment. We are not licensed doctors, lawyers, or therapists. We simply have a fascination with the lifestyle and I'd love to share it with you and get your thoughts and opinions. Welcome back. This week, I wanna talk about FLRs. Shocker, right? But I wanna address how subs can help their partner be the best dom they can be in addition to talking about female-led relationships. But first, a little housekeeping. Howdy, gang. As I'm sure you have all noticed, I can be quite unorganized and add to that my chaotic life and the fucking constant change, which I realize has everything to do with my lack of organization, but tends to put me on the hot mess express a lot of the time. But this last couple weeks has been a real eye-opener about how motherfucking short life really is. Tomorrow is promised to no one, which is part of the push to get the fuck out of my house and live in a camper and travel this amazing country we live in and maybe someday explore other countries. I don't know what's in store for me, but I just, life is short. I wanna see the world. And of course, share it with all of you. It will be a whole new ballgame doing this podcast and living the lifestyle we live in a small camper with one kid for sure, possibly two, one dog for sure, possibly two, and my husband and I. This podcast could get real interesting real fast. I guess what I'm really trying to say here is I'm far from perfect and I fucking overthink everything, but I have to be done with all of that. Life is too short to give a flying fuck what other people think about me. I'm so fucking worried that people won't like what I post on social media, so then I just stop. And I'm sure you've all noticed that my appearance in social media has been nil to none, except for probably on Twitter. There's no pictures there. I don't know, keyboard warrior in the house. I overthink what people want to see from me on social media or don't want to see from me. I'm so over it. From now on, I'm just gonna post. Makeup or not, feeling fat, I don't care. I don't feel sexy, so what? I'm overly self-conscious about my body, but starting right now, I am making a conscious effort to stop caring. This is my life, my family. I'll do what I want. I just need to be 100% me and post accordingly. Some days I can be an emotional rollercoaster, so buckle up because it could be a bit crazy. All of that being said, I literally cannot even begin to express my gratitude to all of you who take time out of your day to listen to my podcasts or follow me on social media. Time is precious, and I sincerely appreciate all of you taking your precious time or taking precious time out of your day to support me and listen to me on my journey. But enough of that. Let's move on. Three. Side note, drinking milk before the podcast, bad idea. I know I mentioned a while back that I was being interviewed on another podcast, and I was referred to as an FLR master in the description and on some adult blogs that highlight the episode. I gotta be honest. That title makes me a little uncomfortable. I do not consider myself a master of anything. I am constantly learning, and I will always continue learning, and I fucking make mistakes just like everybody else. It was flattering to hear that, but I think that I much prefer to just be a mistress or a goddess. Seems much more on my level. Last thing I wanna say, and then we will get to the topic at hand this week. Patreon peeps, you are fucking amazing. And I would also like to welcome any new patrons and say thank you. And I would love to thank all my patrons for their continued support. You guys mean the world to me. Thank you so much to all my patrons. I truly appreciate each and every one of you. All right, let's dig in. I have gotten some emails over the past couple of weeks, and I really want to discuss this topic. I did some Google searching this week and found some articles I thought might be interesting to any of my listeners considering entering an FLR or talking to their partner about one. I will link all of the articles I reference in the show notes, and I hope you all find them useful or interesting for that matter. The first article I found is how to be a dominant in the bedroom, even if you are nervous or unconfident. Now, while I wanna discuss more than just being a dominant in the bedroom, I found the first paragraph of this article to be spot on. The opening paragraph talks about how being dominant or submissive or switch is not ingrained in you from birth, and I would agree with that. While I think I've always been a little bit dominant or had dominant traits, I don't think I really put them to use until I met my husband. He really does bring out the best in me. Okay, back to this article. It lists some easy rules or tips. I prefer tips, it's not really rules, but I feel are pretty on point. First, it's not one giant leap, if that ain't the truth. I mean, this title really says it all. Most of the conversations I've had with people sharing their stories about how they introduce this lifestyle to their partners have been kind of overwhelming. When my subbie introduced it to me, he did kind of drop it all in my lap in one phone conversation, but he was not pushy and he offered so many researches or resources so that I could do my own research. I don't know if it's like impending shark week, but seriously, my brain is not connecting to my mouth. Enjoy, this one should be entertaining. I totally get that it is exciting and so fucking hot to think about the lifestyle, but seriously, slow and steady wins the race. One particular sentence sticks out to me. Even if you wind up dominating your man hardcore with whips and blades, don't expect to do that from the beginning. Being a good dominant requires experience. So true, so fucking true. I have made so many mistakes and everyone will, no one's perfect. Don't be hard on yourself and learn from your mistakes. Oh, and subs, if you are more experienced than your partner, please be patient and help. Don't criticize or ridicule your dom while they're learning or ever. That is not going to help your relationship succeed. Communicate and work together. The more confident your partner is, the more dominant they will be. The first tip continues on to talk about starting with activities that are less intense or extreme and goes on to say that dominating your man doesn't need to be super extreme. If you only feel like commanding him to do a few mostly vanilla acts, that's okay. I love that sentence, I love it a lot. I feel like people think an FLR is all about kink. And it isn't. I mean, there is kink involved if you choose to have it involved, I like it. Also, it doesn't ever have to be extreme. You make your FLR everything you want it to be. Whatever works for you and your partner is the perfect FLR for you. Last thing from this first tip is steps you can take to become more dominant. Try initiating is the first one. Kiss your man when he's least expecting it or not expecting it. Run your hand up and down his thigh and let him know what you're thinking about. I do this to my subbie all the fucking time. My favorite thing to do to him is just to walk up to him. I tend to grab his neck just because that's who I am nowadays. But I grab him and I just lay one on him. The reaction I get out of him is fucking amazing. It will knock your man's socks off or your partner's socks off. It's fantastic. For me, it's even better because his dick is in a cage and he gets aroused and voila, pain. There are a few other steps in this article as well. If you want to check them out. This one just stood out to me. Second, keep on going. Once you're comfortable and have tiptoed into it, take the next step. They do list some suggestions, commands like, get me a glass of wine, would you? Or go and warm the bed for me. I'm not quite sure what that means, but I would like to know how you warm a bed because my bed's fucking cold. It's winter here and it's fucking cold. Well, I mean, right now it's like 50 degrees, so I should shut the hell up about that. It won't last. Anyway, these are just some examples so you get the idea. The article also goes on to talk about discovering what type of dominance you prefer or domination you prefer. I would like to add that there is no wrong answer here. Seriously, no wrong answer. As long as you and your partner are on the same page, communicating and have clear boundaries, this relationship can be whatever you want it to be. And if you don't want it to be a 24 seven lifestyle, it sure doesn't have to be. You can do it just in the bedroom. You can just do it on the weekends. I mean, you have to decide what is a good fit for you and your partner. So from this article, I want to point out a couple more things and then I will move on maybe. Who knows? It's anybody's guess. First, you do not have to be extreme or cruel and you'll feel more comfortable dominating your man when you're a dominant version of yourself and not just imitating what you think dominance should be. Preach it. I fucking love those two sentences right there. Seriously. Being a dominant woman has boosted my confidence more than anything ever has in the past. If you were to have met me 10 years ago, you would never believe I am the same person. I don't even know how to explain it. I've had people tell me that I have gotten so much better looking with age. Like I look better at 41 than I did at 25. I truly, truly believe this has everything to do with the confidence I've gained from being dominant. I still have insecurities like anybody else, as I said, but I'm much more comfortable in my own skin. I also think it helps having a relationship with someone like my subbie. He is constantly boosting me up, constantly encouraging me. He is always, I don't know that there really is a day that goes by that he doesn't tell me in some way that I look fucking sexy or that I look hot today or holy fuck, you're so beautiful. There is something to be said for that. There really is. Okay, here we are again. One last thing for real this time. You can be a loving dominant. Instead of punishment, you focus on rewarding good behavior. Instead of telling your partner that he's bad or humiliating him, you let him know how much he's pleased you by doing what you requested the way you wanted. I wanted to bring this up because I feel like there's some misconception because in the beginning, I also struggled with how do I inflict pain or humiliation? Oh, I sounded like I'm drunk. Humiliation on a person that you love so much. And I think in one email I even got, it was pain equaling love doesn't register right or just doesn't register. And I totally get that. I totally get that. While I have worked myself into the humiliation aspect of our relationship and grown quite fond of it in certain areas, small weenie, it's not for everyone. And it is a hard concept to wrap your head around. I love my husband with every fiber of my being. He is 100% my soulmate. He's my everything. So I had to really change my perspective to understand that the things I say to him, it is humiliation, but on his end, he's getting gratification from it. He's not feeling bad about himself or it's not hurting his feelings. It's hard to explain. And I would really like to have him on here to explain it because he does it so much better than I do. But your FLR doesn't have to be that way. You don't have to have a female led relationship that focuses on punishment and humiliation. And punishments don't need to be physical. This article also goes on to talk about what a scene is, safety, your responsibilities as a dom and much more. I think it is a really good read and I would absolutely recommend it. One more article I wanted to kind of touch base on is, it's called, what is a female led relationship? Three different forms and how to explore. I will also put a link to this article in my show notes. This article breaks down what a female led relationship is and touches on the kink versus feminist relationships and has three types of FLR. I think overall the author of the article breaks it down pretty well. I think my favorite part is the benefits of a female led relationship for a man. I think too often people see a female led relationship as, oh, well she's a bitch and she's got his balls in her purse and that's my small town reference for the day, enjoy. That's really not the case. Being in a female led relationship can be just as fulfilling for the man as it is for the woman. It relieves some of the pressure from their day-to-day decision-making. It allows them to relax a little bit and not have to make so many decisions that they may feel pressured to make. Being in a female led relationship can allow a man to live a fuller, happier life. Just because you don't understand it, don't judge it. Don't be an asshole. I just think it's important to point out that men also benefit from a female led relationship. I think that is a little bit lost sometimes in this topic. I didn't really read this whole article. I kind of just skimmed. There's some tips at the end of the article on how to start a female led relationship. Seems to be pretty spot on from what I skimmed and references, knowing what you want, communication, starting slow, and my favorite one, talk to other people who enjoy female led relationships. I think surrounding yourself with like-minded people is brilliant. And I'm not saying ditch all your vanilla friends or family or whatever the case may be. You can have the best of both worlds, but sometimes you need somebody you can relate to who maybe lives the same kind of lifestyle or is more open-minded and has the same perspective. And that's not to say vanilla people can't be open-minded because my strawberry bestie is very open-minded. She doesn't necessarily understand, but we talk freely about it. I mean, sometimes it's just nice to have a conversation with somebody who is living it or who has lived it or whatever the case may be. Like me, for example, you can talk to me. I'm like-minded and likeable, I think. Second topic at hand, and this one I should really have my subbie here for because he would be very helpful. And I'm just gonna kind of touch on it, but that might be my topic for next week. We will see what happens. So I found an article, how to be the perfect submissive for your dominant. And I found this on Lovegasm. I will put a link in the show notes. Being a good submissive is important. And being a submissive is so much more than just doing what you're told. I think a lot of times people who don't understand these relationships view a submissive as weak, and that is so not the case. That is the exact opposite. To be a good submissive, you have to be strong and you have to be smart, and you have to have a good head on your shoulders. That's just all there is to it. Submissives take a lot. They make that decision, but they put up with a lot, especially my subbie. But I love him. So this article gives a definition of what a submissive is, and it kind of does so, it doesn't kind of do so, it does so in a BDSM reference, or a BDSM relationship reference, and kind of focuses more around a dom-sub or master-slave relationship in the bedroom, not so much every day. But skimming it, it seems pretty applicable. This may not be the best article for a beginner because it might be a little overwhelming. I think if I would have read this article, ooh, what was that? I think if I would have read this article in my beginning stages, I might have gotten a little overwhelmed or scared, maybe not scared, but a little overwhelmed. The main tips to take away from being a good sub are listen to your dom, not just the words, body language as well. My subbie gets far more information from my body language than he does from my words. And he is very in tune with how I'm feeling. Most of the time he senses my frustration before I've really fully grasped that I'm frustrated. So it's very important. Pay attention to body language. And that really applies to anything, even if you're in a play session. Pay attention to body language. Next tip to being a good subbie, decisions aren't yours to make. Now, this is open for interpretation because I make all the decisions, but that being said, I do care about my subbie's opinion. And I will get his opinion or his thoughts on things that are very important. I mean, obviously I don't give a fuck what he wants for supper. He's gonna eat whatever I make. And if he doesn't, then he doesn't eat, but he eats everything I make. And I know what he likes, but let me stop rambling. On decisions that are important, I always get his opinion and his thoughts. I, in the end, make the decision. However, I take into consideration what his thoughts and opinions are. We're usually on the same page. We're almost the same person on certain things. We agree on almost everything for major decisions. The final paragraph of this article talks about the work that it takes both mentally and physically. There's a lot of mental and physical work that goes into a relationship like this to make it work. It's just true. It's all there is to it. I was lucky when I found my subbie. He is amazing at communicating his thoughts, wants, needs. And he has always, always been helpful and supportive on this journey. He has never been condescending. He maybe in the beginning did a little bit of topping from the bottom, but I didn't know any better. And honestly, he recognized it before me and then apologized. And if I'm not mistaken, I had to ask him what the fuck it was. I mean, and if you don't know, topping from the bottom is when the submissive is acting more like the dominant. I didn't fucking know what that meant. He's very supportive. He helps me see, if I make a mistake, he helps me see the learning I can take away from that mistake, the things I can learn from what I messed up on. He's just an amazing subbie. Many subbies could take lessons from him. I know I say this all the time, but I can be a slow learner and repetition can sometimes be key for me. You make your FLR whatever you want it to be. As long as you and your partner are communicating and have clear boundaries, the possibilities really are endless. If you don't wanna spank your partner, don't fucking spank your partner. Punishments are what you make them. They don't have to be physical if you don't want them to be. Sometimes you have to get creative thinking of punishments. And that could be an episode, the different times. I know I've done one on punishments, but maybe we can go more in depth because even still now, sometimes I struggle with punishments. Not that my subbie gets punished very often. He's a pretty good boy. Maybe he can come on and give some ideas. He has a very interesting mind. All right, I need to wrap this up before you guys all get bored to death and fall asleep driving home from work or something. That would be terrible. I also have a bunch of jobs to record, which should be real fun with my mouth working the way it is. I love it, I'm just a little overwhelmed. I have not fully decided what's in store for you next week because as I mentioned, I'm not the most organized person in the world, but I have a few ideas and I would really like to bring my subbie back. I think the topic of how to be a better sub or tips for being a good sub would be an interesting episode. Or maybe we'll talk about punishments or I mean, hell, if my ADD is kicking ass, maybe we'll do it all in one episode. We'll see. However, if any of you have questions for my subbie, please hit me up on social media, send me an email. All my information is in the show notes. Ask away. He will answer them for you. Thank you to all of you so much for taking time to listen to me ramble and be all over the map. I appreciate each and every one of you. I appreciate your support and I love that people are listening to me on my journey. It's just fascinating and I love the feedback, the emails, the comments, everything. Keep it up, I love it. I hope you all have an amazing week. Stay safe, be good human beings. Nobody likes an asshole. And much love to you all. Mwah.